Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Why the Guilt?

I always walk around with guilt. Call it Catholic guilt, what have you. The other day my boss sent me an email that said, "You have a second to talk?" Well, my stomach sank and I immediately flipped through my brain like a slide show every time I came to work after him, or did not call a client, or took a longer lunch than appropriate. Someone of authority wants to talk to me? I must be in trouble. As it was, he wanted some confidential advice. Whew! Today limping home I watched a couple of young, spry women run past me on the street. "Ugh," I thought, "I'm such a lazy loser, I should be exercising!" But wait! I am walking home FROM THE GYM, with a bag filled with sweat-ladden, well worn gym clothes, as these thoughts go through my head!
I can only surmise that when I get down on myself (like my actions over the weekend) it sticks like glue. For the last two days I ate extraordinarily healthy, and had good work-outs in the gym. I will try to explore that guilt more at a later date.

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night with cold sweats for the second time in a row. Answer - detoxing from the weekend. When I was on my vegan, no alcohol diet from Nov. 1- May 1 I never remember waking up in the middle of the night - not once. So, today, I loaded up on fruit for breakfast. I also still felt dehydrated. And my trusty oatmeal, peanut butter, and raisins.  For years and years until recently, say the last year or two, I did not eat breakfast, now I cannot function without a healthy one! Let me reiterate about habits here - in the months (and years) just prior to my vegan quest I ate eggs almost every single day. I love eggs! Hell, I loved eggs all my life -- as proof I have an old cassette tape circa 1970 that my mother made for my father in Vietnam and she goes on and on about how much I loved my scrambled eggs as a two year old! And, I loved bacon back then too I might ad!

I have been off of My Vegan Quest for one month, and except for three times in Ireland, I have not had any eggs. It is incredible. The large amount of eggs I used to eat were just terribly unhealthy. I have no desire for them.

I visited Haru for lunch and got the typical two orders of edamame (without salt), miso, and salad. But what used to fill me up, did not. I think it is because I did not eat terribly healthy for three days over the weekend my brain and body began to change and what used to fill me up, did not. I then ordered a sashimi appetizer. Yes, I was still hungry, but I knew better and walked away after that.

I went to the gym after work, and though my right knee is swollen, it does not hurt, so I hopped on the bike. I was stoked that I was filled with energy and I rode at a quick pace for 20 minutes on a high (14-16) intensity level. Working up a good sweat, and with my knee starting to ache I jumped off and did my abdominal exercises - very intense today, 3 sets of 40 full rotations with the medicine ball, and 3 sets of 30 crunches. Then I got on the elliptical and chugged along for a quick pace.

Then the steam room, then the scale- I crested at about 244 lbs (down from 302 lbs) just at the end of my vegan quest, and now I am about 252 lbs which really depressed me, but just for a second. I was not surprised because of the way I tried to moderate my life the past month. I know what I did wrong, and I was already back on my dogged pursuit to reach 225 lbs.  Maybe that is why I felt guilty (for no good reason) when I saw those people running. I should be proud of the past two days, and of my current mindset!

For dinner I popped into Pig 'n' Whistle to watch both the Yankee game, and Stanley Cup (and I need activity around me). I had 16 oz of OJ (probably twice what I should have had) and it tasted amazing after the gym! I also drank about 5 pints of water. They had an Asian Chicken salad that was just lettuce, carrots, cabbage, cucumber, and grilled chicken - fantastic, and no oil or butter or anything. I ordered with dressing on the side, and did not pour it on. However, I tasted the dressing and it was delicious, but I only sprinkled less than a teaspoon on.

I have tried to combine my Spartan, vegan life of the past six months with my old lifestyle thinking I can do it. Well, I admit it, I cannot. Going back to all my old temptations and thinking I can still live a healthy lifestyle and continue to lose weight was pure folly. Even just a couple of drinks makes me make poor food decisions! It is still all or nothing for me! So my first try at getting off my vegan quest and seamlessly weaving in my old life was like changing a tire at 60 mph.

Time to slow down. And if the last two days are any indication, it will be a smooth ride.

However, I have three challenges facing me this week, one of them is huge. Thurs: I have a first date with someone - need to keep it to two glasses of wine, max. Would it be easier to do the seltzer route like I have with many dates over the past 6 months? Absolutely! But, I suspect it might be awkward for her. Now, I know, I know, that sounds asinine, but, just root for me to keep to two glasses of wine, and leave it at that! Fri: I have a reunion of my old work, the cable TV network, FX Networks. There was such a bond between the people who worked at FX at the launch back in '94, that this reunion is really like a 50 year High School reunion every time we get together at the local bar we used to all drank together at 15 years ago. I think I can escape the drinking trap here. Pretty confident I can, but it will be tricky! Finally, and this is scary: Sat. and Sun: a friend rented an RV for a weekend watching a NASCAR race in rural Pennsylvania. I am not a fan, nor have I ever been to such a race. It has one purpose, to get 7 close friends together and play cards, BBQ, and drink alot. I agreed to this way back when I was still on the vegan quest and thought it would be a fun diversion for me, even a reward.  Backing out would be poor form, wimpy, and wrong, as this is a guy bonding trip that everyone is exited about. Even though I will avoid such outings in the future I am locked into this one. This will be the biggest test for me yet.

And I used to be worried I would have nothing to write about after I ended the vegan quest. Geez! Well, the weight loss quest continues, and will do so in earnest despite all the hurdles!


Vegan Epicurean said...

If it makes you feel any better something similar happened to me when I tried to practice moderation. You aren't alone on that one. Good luck this weekend navigating those land mines. ;-)


Anonymous said...

good luck, terry. you can do it!


Terrence said...

Thanks Alicia, Thank You Erin! Erin who was conspicuously silent on my Ireland posts!

Anonymous said...

This whole Quest would make a great book. Once you settle into a new and stable eating/exercise routine, you ought to talk to some literary agents.

I thought the original Quest was very interesting, but now the question is how you will achieve a new balance in your life. Thank you for sharing and for being so honest.


Terrence said...

joanne - thank you!