November 19th, 1863

Being the 146th anniversary of the Gettysburg Address, let me honor President Lincoln with my own vegan address:

Two weeks and 5 days ago my former self brought forth on this sedentary, bloated, and boozed filled body a new life, conceived in health, and dedicated to the proposition that your body is a temple.

Now I am engaged in a great civil war of urges, testing whether that this body, or any body, so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure the effects of no animal products. We are met on a great battle-field of that war - the steak house. I have come to dedicate a portion of that flabby mid-section, as a final resting place for all that fat so that I might live longer.

The world will little note, nor long remember what I say here, but it will never forget what I did here. It is for us the healthy, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which willpower who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for me to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us—that from these dead fat-cells I take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion—that I am highly resolved that these desires for steak, and cheese shall not have died in vain—that this body, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom—and that my health: of nutrition, by nutrition, for nutrition, shall not perish from the earth.